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To subscribe, send a blank email to: nursingjokes-subscribe@topica.com ****************************************************** Translating Men, What They Say & What They Mean, Battle of The Sexes "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "I'm going hunting" Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)" "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." "I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me." "Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." ****************************************************** ****************************************************** Home Repairs, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.home.repairs.htm ****************************************************** Why Cats Are Better Than Men, Battles of The Sexes Jokes, Cat-Pet Humor: http://www.4nursing.com/humor-battle-of-the-sexes-why-cats-are-better-than-men.html ****************************************************** 25 Year Old Breasts, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.4nursing.com/humor-battle-of-the-sexes-25-year-old-breasts.html ****************************************************** Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Top Ten Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/created ****************************************************** 17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man, Battle of The Sexes: http://www.nursinghumor.com/ ****************************************************** The Perfect Man, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.a.divorced.perfect.man.htm ****************************************************** Name Calling, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.name.calling.htm ****************************************************** A Real Lady, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Infidelity Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/lady ****************************************************** A Woman Thirty Years Younger, Marriage Jokes, Battle of the Sexes Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/younger ****************************************************** Mating Bulls, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.mating.bulls.htm ****************************************************** Five Kinds of Sex, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.five.kinds.of.sex.htm ****************************************************** Men Are Like . . ., Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.men.are.like.htm ****************************************************** Following Orders, Battle of the Sexes Jokes, Gallows Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/gallows.dark.following.orders.htm ****************************************************** Top Fourteen Things PMS Stands For, Top Ten Jokes, Battle of The Sexes Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/pms ****************************************************** The Escapee, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.escapee.htm ****************************************************** Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.why.pumpkins.are.better.than.men.htm ****************************************************** The Blind Date, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Geriatrics Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle_of_the_sexes.the.blind.date.htm ****************************************************** The New Girlfriend, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.new.girlfriend.htm ****************************************************** Pros of Being A Woman, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.the.pros.of.being.a.woman.htm ****************************************************** If You Love It, Set It Free, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor: http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.if.you.love.it.set.it.free.htm ****************************************************** A Divorced Woman's Perfect Breakfast, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Divorce Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.a.divorced.womans.perfect.breakfast.htm ****************************************************** How To Impress, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.how.to.impress.htm ****************************************************** Great Female Comebacks, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/ ****************************************************** His and Her Road Trip, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/battle/ ****************************************************** Generation Gap, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Parenting Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/parenting.parents.jokes.generation.gap.htm ****************************************************** And You Wonder "Why" It Didn't Last, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Divorce Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.and.you.wonder.why.it.didnt.last.htm ****************************************************** Because I'm A Guy, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/battle.of.the.sexes.because.im.a.guy.htm ****************************************************** The Gentleman On The Bus, Battle of The Sexes Jokes & Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/gentleman ****************************************************** If Men Got Pregnant, Battle Of The Sexes Jokes, Pregnancy Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/if ****************************************************** A Man, His Wife, and The Cop, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/cop ****************************************************** If Men Wrote The Rules, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/wrote ****************************************************** What Women Know About Men, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/know ****************************************************** All Wives Are Alike, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/alike ****************************************************** A Woman Thirty Years Younger, Marriage Jokes, Battle of the Sexes Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/humor/marriage.matrimony.wedding.jokes/a.woman.thirty.years.younger.htm ****************************************************** Radar, Battle of The Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/radar ****************************************************** Definitely Warm, Battle of the Sexes Jokes, Relationship Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/warm ****************************************************** Suspicions, Battle of the Sexes Jokes, Marriage Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/suspicions ****************************************************** I Just Want You To Hold Me Tonight http://www.nursinghumor.com/me ****************************************************** A Dictionary of Dating http://www.nursinghumor.com/dating ****************************************************** Translating Men, What They Say & What They Really Mean: http://www.nursinghumor.com/translating ****************************************************** I am glad I am a man, I am glad I am a woman: http://www.nursinghumor.com/glad ****************************************************** Male Bashing: http://www.nursinghumor.com/bashing ****************************************************** Two Gifts For Adam & Eve, Battle of The Sexes, Nursing & Medical Jokes & Humor http://www.nursinghumor.com/gifts ****************************************************** Why Men Can't Win http://www.nursinghumor.com/win ****************************************************** Why We Appreciate Men, A Woman's Perspective http://www.nursinghumor.com/appreciate ****************************************************** Viagra Funnies http://www.nursinghumor.com/drugs.medications/viagra.jokes.humor.htm ****************************************************** ****************************************************** Bachelorette Party Fun:"Bachelorette Party Fun is your number one source for planning a bachelorette party or sorority party. Our free articles will help you plan every aspect including bachelorette party ideas, games, party favors, drinks and food for your bachelorette party or sorority party. From party supplies to the party favors, we'll help make your bachelorette party a very memorable one." I-VOLUTION, INC. 9420 Reseda Boulevard Suite 510 Northridge, CA 91324 Bachelorette@bachelorettepartyfun.com, 818-718-1104 or Fax us at 818-993-8358. http://www.bachelorettepartyfun.com/ ****************************************************** Viagra Jokes: http://www.net2business.com/humor/viagra.html ****************************************************** ****************************************************** For Health Information you can use, Follow, Connect, Like us on Facebook, Google Plus, LinkedIn,Twitter, etc. (Most Invites Accepted): http://www.nursefriendly.com/social/: Google Plus (if you're not a member, e-mail me for an invite)-info@nursefriendly.com http://www.nursefriendly.com/google/ See What's New 4nursing.com:"In this Nursing Portal you'll find information on Nursing Jobs, Nursing Schools, Nurse Degrees, CNAs, LPNs, RNs, Travel Nursing, Prescriptions Drugs, Medications, Nursing Associations and much more." http://www.4nursing.com ****************************************************** InspirationalNursing.com:"InspirationalNursing.com. Touching Poems, and Inspiring stories that touch the heart and occasionally bring a tear to your eye. Affection, Ambition, Angels In Our Lives, Animals, Babies, Bereavement, Caring, Caring, Children, Christian Stories, Christmas, Computers & The Internet, Death, Dependability, Determination, Dying, Easter, Emergency Medical Services (EMS), End of Life, Etc., Friendship, God's Creatures, Grief, Holiday Thoughts, Honesty, Hospice Poems, etc." http://www.inspirationalnursing.com ****************************************************** Jocularity.com (Former home to the Journal of Nursing Jocularity (JNJ)):"Nursing & Medical Humor. Find hundreds of jokes and links to sites that will make you smile. Therapeutic Humor Associations, Battle of the Sexes, Bedside Nursing Humor, Brain Teasers, Clowning, Clowns, Therapeutic Humor & Comedy Links, Dental Humor, Emergency Department Humor, General Nursing Humor, Geriatrics, Senior Citizen, etc." http://www.jocularity.com ****************************************************** Legalnursingconsultant.org:"This website is intended to be a resource for Legal Nurse Consultants, Attorneys looking to use their services, and nurses looking to enter the field of Legal Nurse Consulting. On our site you'll find a directory of LNCs by state and specialty." http://www.legalnursingconsultant.org ****************************************************** Nursefriendly.com:"Nationwide Nursing Resources: In this Nursing Portal you'll find information on Nursing Jobs, Nursing Schools, Nurse Degrees, LPNs, RNs, APNs, Nursing Associations and much more." http://www.nursefriendly.com ****************************************************** Nursinga2z.com:"It is our intent for this Alphabetical, A to Z index to be a comprehensive listing (In Progress) of Nursing-related resources on the Internet. It is indexed by Google and fully searchable." http://www.nursinga2z.com ****************************************************** Nursingdiabetics.com:"Welcome to NursingDiabetics.com. Here you will find information on all aspects of Diabetes, a disease that afflicts millions of people world wide. 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